RITUALISTIC HUMAN SACRIFICE
DRAGGED ACROSS THE FIFTY ACRES OF THE COUNTY'S LARGEST WALMART SUPER CENTER PARKING LOT, ANKLES BOUND IN CHAINS, NAKED, SHAVEN OF ALL BODILY HAIR, BODY OILED UNTILL TENDER, IN CIRCLES, FROM THE BREAK OF DAWN TO THE DEATH OF THE DAY AND LAST BREATH OF THE SHOP LIFTERS.